Talking to Your Child About Natural Disasters

We all are struggling to deal thoughtfully with the sudden drove of fires, floods, tsunamis and earthquakes. A cascade of feelings has been triggered in each of us. We are now exposed to daily images of death and strife. What is a parent to do? How do we explain death tolls to our children, and how do we keep fulfilling our responsibility to protect and nurture them?

Here are some thoughts about caring well for our children and ourselves during difficult times:

First, we need to set aside time to talk with each other, and work through some of our feelings and reactions, at times and places separate from our children. We adults carry a heavy load of feelings about the current events no matter how hard we try to tamp these feelings down. We have been made to feel helpless and hopeless about current events and the historical events. So often, the first task is to remember what and whom we care most about.
 

From there, we can remember the hopes we had as children that the world would be sweet, safe, and just. We need to let our thoughts about whom we love and our longings for safety and justice lead to the appropriate human response—crying, trembling, and an open show of upset. We need to do this with other adults. Accessing our gut feelings will help us recover our ability to use the power we do have, so we’re hopeful enough to do what we can in our families and communities to make the world right.
 

It is important for our children to see that we care about people, about justice in the world. But they shouldn’t become our only sounding board. If you are upset, go ahead and cry openly, but without detailed explanation of your feelings. "I'm sad about something I heard on the news" is fine, along with "and I just need to cry for a little while to get the sadness out."
 

It is not helpful for very young children to know all the details of what has happened. They can't digest violent behavior, and can become terrified by exposure to the graphic images and the feelings of horror and drama that we attach to the details. The following are ways to keep young children from becoming unnecessarily frightened.
 

Shield them from the media. TV reports, newspaper photographs, and radio commentary can communicate that adults do not feel safe, in charge, or trustful of others. Get your news after the children have gone to bed, or while you're commuting in your car. Don't let news erode the sense of connection and caring that you work so hard to build in your family.
 

Concentrate on the present moment, the tasks and routines of every day, and on the goodness of being together and enjoying one another.
 

When explanation is needed, explain the events in general terms, and in terms that your child can understand. For example, you could say that lots of adults feel upset, that some people have decided not to help groups that need it, etc. You can explain that you have feelings, too, and that you will be talking to other grownups to take care of your upsets about it.
 

Children who are exposed to graphic images on TV or to tense, distressed adult talk will need explicit reassurance. They need to be told explicitly that they are safe, that you will keep them safe, and that you will be doing what you can to help people work together so harmful things don't happen again.
 

If you are asked why a tragedy happened, fashion your answer to your child's age and experience. Acknowledge that we grownups haven't yet figured out how to have everything fair for everybody in the world. You can explain, for instance, that when they don't feel that things are fair for them, they may get mad and cry about it, and that you listen to their feelings, and then you work out solutions.

But for many people, there's no one to listen or to help them with their concerns. So sometimes people get mad and do desperate things because they feel so hurt, alone, and misunderstood.

In the end, though, irrational acts don't make sense to children, because they don't make sense, period. So don't try too hard to get the explanation "right." The facts don't make irrationality understandable. Young children need an explanation of why the adults around them are reacting, and that we may be too serious right now, but that we will take care of them. They need as much reassurance as you can give that harm won’t come to them.
 

If your child has become frightened by the tones, words, or images he has seen, he will find ways to bring up his fears that may be indirect. For example, he may wake up crying in the night, may get upset over not getting to sit on your lap during dinnertime, or may have a tantrum over not being able to find the shoes he wanted to wear today.
 

Our children need us to listen at these times, to stay close and reassure them while they feel the feelings in a big way. "You can sit on my lap after dinner, I promise," said with a relaxed tone, will let your child cry and fight, releasing the feelings of fear and tension until your reassurance sinks in. "We'll find your other shoe, but right now, I don't know where it is," will work just fine to give him an outlet for his fears and worries.
 

Children need these small upsets to serve as "can openers" for the emotions they have stored away. They usually choose a safe family time, like dinnertime or bedtime, or a challenging time like leaving for school or day care in the morning, to crack an upset open so they can offload the feelings and then sense that they are safe again.
 

When you listen, you can expect the feelings to last a good while. The warmer and more loving you are, the more intense the feelings will become. This is normal, healthy, and a direct acknowledgment of the sense of safety you have provided. Don't mention the crisis that you think may be attached to all these feelings. Children's emotional release process can be stopped cold by our interpretations. It works better to keep referring to the small issue at hand, which your child chose because it was exactly the size he could handle.
 

As parents, we know that it takes a great amount of person-to-person love, work, and commitment to keep even a small group of people working cooperatively together.
 

The skills we develop, as parents, are the same skills needed to heal our human community, person by person. May we draw closer to each other. May we draw closer to people whose lives seem to be different from our own. May we listen with compassion to heal the hurts that divide us, and right the injustices that caused them.

 

 Article by Patty Wipfler, Hand in Hand Parenting